Inner Monologue of an Anxious Over Thinker

rain lights

Here is an example of the thoughts that I could capture last night, post gym work out. I was coming out of a bit of a rage from the day and was sizzling with thoughts. Forgive me, they are short and make little sense. Welcome to my brain. 

 

Mad. At self. Mad at body. Mad that I’m Mad. Ate too much dinner sabotaged self for gym workout. Can’t brain and can’t think about why I’m mad. Just so mad. Can feel it in jaw. Tight. Vomited in mouth at gym. gross. Pissed at self for being mad at George, not his fault he’s sick and didn’t help as much. I made dinner and had to clean up and do washing. Pissed that he put chilli in the mince. Didn’t want chilli in the mince. No mince before gym, ever again. Light meals. Did I eat too much subconsciously so I would give up on new gym routine? Pissed at the loud obnoxious assholes at gym yesterday. Punch them in the Throat. Just need all of the relaxing time. Going to sleep too late. Can’t help it coz of stupid neighbours who think it’s a great idea to blast music from 10pm to 11:30pm every fucking night. Not dark enough in room. Will I ever get a proper sleep? Am I letting George down? Don’t like that I have to answer phone at work, flashbacks to old job in Bathurst that made me anxious. Not a fun time. It must be the side effects of antidepressants. I eat healthy and exercise often. I’m not at stressed as I was. Want to cry. So many feels and emotions. Blerg. Weighing self in Arvo stupid, heavier. Do I do it on purpose to make myself feel worse? Feel worse work harder? What am I going to wear to work tomorrow? Casual Thursdays a thing? Is now. Still want to vom. Shouldn’t have the shits, everything is working out okay and going as smoothly. For now. Maybe it’s because I’m coming off antidepressants and having a bit of a mood swing is part of it. They (doctors) never tell you the side effects. Would never have gone on them if I had known. Would have looked for other options. I wonder what my brother and his fiancé will call their baby? Should try meditation. Stupid jumper is choking me. Maybe I need a float. Should try acupuncture. Need to order more Metagenics. Fiji holiday is so far away. Wedding in 2 weeks so exciting, going to be so much fun. Feel bad when my mood brings George down. Makes me sad to see him down he has such a beautiful smile. Would do anything to see it. Need to file nails. Maybe I’ll paint them too. Haha. Maybe I should put those lights up on the TV unit. Could look cute.

 

Shit! Sorry, I should have told you that you would need a drink to get through that.

 

So as you can see, my brain was a bit hectic and it loves those random tangents. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to get through my overthinking without my heart rate rising and losing it altogether and having a panic attack. Go me! I would say my workout at the gym definitely helped. It gave me something to focus my anger on. I channelled my anger into pushing myself hard at the gym. I wanted to exhaust myself, I wanted to be so tired that I couldn’t think anymore. Fat chance, I was tired but my mind ran, so mid stretch I sat down and typed as much as I could on my phone. I felt a lot better. I feel like if anyone was watching me they would have seen the steam coming off me and thought they walked into a Sauna instead of the gym. 

 

I hate it when I get in these overthinking loops, they really frustrate me and I feel like that thoughts running in my head are the only things that I can focus on. I feel uncomfortable in my body, which makes me panic a little because this is normally the beginning stage of a panic attack. I do my best to tell myself I’m okay. But there are just times when it sneaks on out and catches me off guard. But you know what? That’s okay, because I will learn from it and I will learn how best to deal with it. I am stronger for it! I told that rage to fuck off and don’t even dare try to bring along a panic attack. I get to control how I feel. I am in control (most of the time, but hey, that’s a hell of a lot better than I used to be).

 

When I first started having anxiety really bad, I was experiencing insomnia. Here is a little snippet of my thoughts one night trying to go to sleep. Have a read and a giggle. I still laugh every time I read it.

 

Recover bed frame light grey material 

Side table from target – if still available

Lights for inside bed side tables 

Word prints on newspaper from etsy store – be kind- be strong and something else

Dinning chairs 

Dinning table 

Cushion filling 

Fake mini plants 

Frame jersey- poster- animal prints old laptop

Sell sparkly black flats

Gym – bike sprints – ball slams – core – stretch 

Probs give cert 3 a crack – can do before/after work classes.

Can’t sleep – too hot – too cold – face tense- neck sore – brain keeps thinking – room not dark enough.

Email inspirational women seen on Insta re passion for what they do – maybe.

Go to gym everyday – release anxiety 

Need routine – easier to handle life and not get overwhelmed.

Petrified of pressure when at new job.

Already frustrated at mums phone situation- not even there yet dealing with it.

Really hope unit is ready when we move – don’t really want to stay at mums – too cold. Could live with dad might be easier/more accessible. 

Sore eyes – need to sleep. 

Lol at putting undies on inside out. Derp. 

Need to wee.

Will try to sleep now. 

Note to self (and anyone else who needs a little pep talk) – don’t forget to take care of your brain, it already does so much for you, return the favour.  Be mindful. Fully engage your mind, body and soul, really listen to what it is telling you and action accordingly. Do things for you OFTEN. Show yourself all of the love. You deserve it.

 

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