A few things have happen over the last few weeks and they have made me so mad, so frustrated, so annoyed, so confused. All the feels hit me and I lost my shit a number of times. They were only small things but when you have anxiety they all feel so huge. All the little things snowball and then it feels like EVERYTHING is going wrong and there is nothing that you can do fix it. You think that it’s all ruined and life is over. So you accept your fate and start to get your affairs in order. You curl up in a ball on the couch and just wait to be accepted as a member of downthebackofthecouchland (don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, there is some mysterious shit down there).
Thank goodness George was there to listen to me talk at him to try and make things make sense in my head. That’s what I do to try and understand things, I talk George’s ear off while he nods and occasionally responds (when I let him) haha but seriously its just how I deal with some things, I talk out loud and try to make sense of what is rolling around my head. So, to help me try and calm down a little, I thought I would share with you some things that really piss me off and that I find hard to deal with.
Being told what I should/shouldn’t do (especially when it comes to treating my anxiety) – this pisses me off so much. I see red. Steam pours from my ears. Because I am the amazing person I am, if you tell me what I should do or how I should do something, I will straight up tell you to fuck off and you are wrong and I’m not doing it. If I’m feeling polite I will sit there quietly and wait until you are done and then say something like ‘yeah I’m working on it’, ‘I’m just not there yet’, ‘I will give it some thought’, Sucker! There is no way in hell I will do what you say.
Most of the time I am just being stubborn and will most likely go off and think about what you have said, find that you were probably right and that maybe I was over reacting and maybe I should give it a go and then ill pretend that I read what you said in an article somewhere so I can trick myself into thinking I found the information on my own. Wow, that was a long sentence. How annoying…for you.
But when it comes to my anxiety you can fuck right off! Thank you for your concern but you really have no idea what I am going through, you have no idea what I need, half the time I don’t even know what I need, I’m just winging it. Haha! But in all seriousness only I know what I need and what I can handle. Thank you for your concern and suggestions that you think are helping, but please note that the BEST thing that you can do for someone with anxiety is just be there. Listen, offer your support, don’t push, be patient. I don’t have enough fingers and toes for the number of times people have told me to ‘go and see someone’. It’s all good and well to go and see someone to talk about it if that works for you. But for me it doesn’t, I don’t enjoy it; I get nothing out of it, in fact I often get more anxious that it doesn’t work for me, when it’s generally supposed to.
I find that the more control that I feel I have in my life the easier it is for me to adult and deal with anxiety. The reason that I got depression and anxiety in the first place is that I felt I had lost control of my own life. I felt helpless, I wasn’t living, I was existing, I had no direction and I had no idea how to find it. I felt like a failure. I had failed at life (I thought). So in a weird way when I’m told what to do I feel like I am being forced to do something and that I have lost control.
I do understand that people think they are trying to help by telling others what they should do and I have been guilty of doing this a number of times, but now that I have a better understanding of anxiety, there is no way that I will tell someone what to do. I will share my experience and start a conversation about anxiety and I honestly think that it is the best thing (yes I know I already mentioned a ‘the best thing’ but they are equal first) that you can do for someone. Start that conversation.
Okay on to number two. For the last few years I have had a number of dietary issues. My body just does not like certain things, caffeine, gluten and diary. It has taken me such a long time to finally listen to what my body is telling me, so when others roll their eyes or make silly comments or give me judgmental looks for what I eat/order I get pissed. Sometimes I even get anxious ordering food. What should it matter what I eat, I’m not forcing you to eat my food, I’m not even telling you about it, I’m not going on some rant about how eating the way I do will make you live longer and save the planet. I’m just doing me and doing my best to avoid stomachaches and bottom vomits. So next time someone orders a decaf almond milk latte, don’t scoff or roll your eyes just know that there might be a legitimate/medical reason for it, it’s not just some one jumping on the bandwagon of the latest fad.
To finish off here is a list of some things that also piss me off:
- People chewing with their mouths open – shut it you animal
- People cutting me off/being in my personal space
- Someone parking right next to you when the car park is empty
- Crocs – just no!
- People who go to the gym just for chats and social visits. GET OUT!
- People who hurt others on purpose
- People who whine about how shit their lives are BUT do nothing to improve it
- Chipped nail polish
- People who hold their knife like a pen
- White loafers
- Those who make mountains out of mole hills
- People who spell/pronounce my name wrong when I have just spelt it/pronounced it for them.
- People smoking in public places – go give yourself cancer in private please
- Internet trolls/bullies
- People having fun around me when I’m not having fun (George helped with this one – He says its funny to watch me telling them off under my breath).
Okay that’s enough now, you guys are probably sick of reading my rants and I’m sick of ranting (that’s a lie, I love it).