This post isn’t my usual style but as promised it’s real, raw and what is happening in my mind at the moment.
I’m tired, just…tired. The kind of tired that sleep will not fix. My brain is tired from thinking, from being on. It gets confused when it has to work on anything that isn’t automatic. As a result of this, holding conversations is difficult. Sometimes I just don’t have anything to respond with or I can’t think of what I am trying to say and I stay silent for a moment too long. I then feel like I look like an idiot because I can’t get the words out. I want to cry when this happens, it’s so frustrating. I can see what I need to say and it’s there just out of reach.
I’m tired of working a job I’m not 100% happy in just to make enough money to survive. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy where I am and my colleagues are great I just feel that I am not challenged and not doing what I love. I’m doing it because I’m good at it and I do it well. I need more out of a job than that. I want to do what I love, I want to write all the things, I want to read all the books, I want to be in the sunshine, I want to be sharing my experiences. If anyone knows what this job is and how I get it, please let me know.
I’m tired of fighting my body to get it where I want it to be. I’m tired of pushing it to its limits and then having it let me down. I’m tired of trying to stay motivated. I’m finding it terribly difficult to find even just a glimpse of motivation. I love going to the gym and working out, it makes me so happy but I’m tired of pushing and working so hard just to have my body let me down. Come on buddy, please just cut me some slack, I’m trying to keep you healthy and well. I’m doing all that I can to find balance for you.
I’m tired of comparing myself to others. I’m tired of seeing others living there lives and being where I think I should be and then beating myself up about why I’m not there. I am tired of having these thoughts run through my head. This kind of thinking destroys you and I know it’s not healthy but I feel that at the moment I don’t have enough tools/energy to rise above this bullshit kind of thinking. I know I will get there because I am strong, much stronger than I give myself credit for. It just hides from me sometimes and I have to dig deep to find it.
I’m tired of doubting my abilities and potential. I’m tired of being scared to try new things. I’m tired of holding myself back. I used to be so confident, now I approach everything with caution. If I get too close to trying something new that scares me, I find a way to tell myself that I can’t do it for whatever reason and I back right off. I don’t even try. This makes me miserable. I really hate being like this, it’s not the way to get everything you can out of life.
I’m tired of having to read ingredients on food labels and menus to see if I can eat it. Curse you dairy/gluten free life. I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. I’m tired of telling people about my food intolerances. I’m tired of having to explain to others that it’s a legitimate intolerance, I’m not faking it. Guys, come on just deal with it. I have to.
Don’t you worry though, I will get through this. I am strong, I is smart and I am resilient. I will overcome it all, I will find my happiness.
But for now, I am just tired.