To My Dear Friends,
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I’m not a good friend.
I am sorry I never text you back.
I am sorry that I ignore you when you reach out to me.
I am sorry I get mad at you for texting me (you don’t know this happens).
I am sorry that I expect you to just know what I’m thinking.
I am sorry I’m awkward in social situations.
I am sorry I say the wrong thing at times.
I am sorry that I flake on you ALL the time
I am sorry I’m not there for you.
I am sorry I seem distant.
I am sorry I forget.
I am sorry for being sorry.
I am sorry that I have driven you away or you are not able to be a part of us anymore.
I am sorry that being my friend is frustrating.
I am sorry I can’t make you understand.
I am sorry that maybe you don’t want to understand.
I am sorry that my guard is up.
I am sorry I’m moody.
I am sorry I don’t share.
I am sorry I shut you out.
I am sorry I don’t care about the shit that is happening in your life (actually it’s more that I forget but it looks like I don’t care).
I’m sorry I’m irritable.
Please know that I love you with all that I am and I care about you. I’m just at a point in my life where it’s all a little bit too much. All that I can deal with at the moment is what is happening in my head and getting to a place where I can deal and I feel like I am moving forward. I’m not making excuses, I’m just offering an explanation to you as to why I do the things that I do. Sometimes it just happens, it’s not your fault, it’s not my fault, it’s no ones fault, it just is.
The last thing that I am sorry about is the fact that I am not sorry at all (well maybe not fully sorry, like half sorry). Is that bad? Did I just ruin it? In all honesty though, why should I be sorry for something that I did not choose to have? Why should I be sorry for my actions that are driven by anxiety? Why should I be exhausting myself to get you to understand my anxiety when you don’t want to?
Things happen to us that we don’t chose and we do our very fucking best to keep moving forward. I am doing my very best that I can right now to deal with my anxiety the way I want to and if you cant be patient with me then fuck right off. Okay maybe don’t fuck off (and don’t give up on me) but please bare with me. I know how hard it is for you and I know how hurt you get, I can see it. I am sorry for the hurt it causes you. Being hurt sucks and having anxiety sucks but know that if you are my friend you are important to me and I love you very much, I just need a little time and space.
I feel guilty a lot of the time for the things my anxiety has pushed me to do but if I fall into that guilty pit then I will never come out, I will be lost forever. I need to do me and I need you to accept it no questions asked. Hhhmmm maybe that last bit was more for me than for you? Maybe I just need me to accept that I need to just do what I need to do? BINGPOT (Brooklyn 99 reference, seriously you need to watch it..now..go..go..go) we have a little epiphany!
All My Love.