The last 5 months have been challenging to say the least. There has been a lot of change and a lot going on in my life. I thought I had it all together and then next thing I know my mate anxiety has popped in for a cuppa. Everything that I have set out to do is unfinished or I find a way to procrastinate and put it off, it’s driving me crazy. I am so annoyed with myself it’s not funny. I like to write my tasks down and cross them off the list and see how my progress is tracking and it bugs me that nothing is crossed off my list. There is something so comforting and satisfying with seeing a line through some words (is that just me?). I am feeling a little overwhelmed by it all and I am finding it a little hard to find balance. Okay you got me, I’m finding it very hard to find balance.
Being injured and unable to exercise has really put me about 1 trillion steps backwards in terms of my health goals. I have gone from working out 5 days a week, to doing nothing and by nothing I mean literally, nothing. I did such a good job of injuring my back that all my Physio allowed me to do was to stretch. Even that was a challenge at the best of times. Being this inactive has also really destroyed my mind and I have found that my mental health has suffered too. Self doubt has crept back in, concentration and focus have slipped off, I legit just cannot be bothered, I go into a bit of a daze. I have become lazy and unmotivated and this feels so un natural and uncomfortable for me.
I have been eating my feelings quite a lot too. A few moments of happiness to drown out my frustrations and feel something other than self-doubt. Can’t be that bad right? Wrong! This behaviour is feeding my unhealthy thoughts and unhealthy actions, which if I am not careful will turn into habits and be that much harder to change. Quick side note I find it interesting that you often read about how people have turned their lives around but they don’t share much of the dark times or really go into it that much. People only want to share the good. I don’t get it. The shit parts you go through are just as much a part of you as the good times. So why not share it all. It paints a better picture and creates a deeper insight. There is no shame in sharing it all. Shit happens. But we keep moving forward the best we can.
I have been pushing my self to the absolute limits at work. To the point where I feel physically ill. Trying to work while fighting a vom is the pits. I’m forgetting to eat (I know, call 911!!). I come home, sit on the couch and the rest is a blur and the next thing I know it’s the morning again. I want to write more, I want to cook, I want to exercise, I want to learn, I want to read but I just can’t move. I’m drained and it feels terrible. I do love my job, I am learning so much and gaining so much valuable experience. I have been given a great opportunity and I will find my feet but for the moment I am struggling a little bit and that’s okay.
Despite all of my struggles that I’m feeling, I am confident that I will find my feet and I will find balance. I am hearing a lot of reassuring comments from the people around me which will hopefully start to sink in a little more as each day passes. I’m putting a little plan in place to see me through so that I can build my mental health back up.
I guess if there is anything to learn from this is look after yo’ self. Make the time for yourself. If you don’t make the time, then who else is going to? Too many people in this world are out for themselves, so why don’t you take a leaf out of their book (just one though, we don’t want to be greedy) and give it a crack. Our mental health is just as important as our physical. We need to look after them both equally so that we can function at our absolute best and enjoy our lives.