The last few days (maybe a week now) I have been feeling anxious. I have felt old mate anxiety sitting in my throat, threatening to make a full blown appearance. Look mate, you are either going to do it or your not. Make up your mind. This neither here nor there shit aint helpful, it’s very frustrating and I am NOT a very patient person so this is not working for me.
It started a few days ago, I could feel my throat starting to close over and my body felt uncomfortable almost like it wanted out of its skin. I took a few deep breaths, acknowledged it and carried on. That seemed to be okay. I made a mental note to myself why I thought I was feeling anxious and what actions I needed to take to feel in control again. I validated my thoughts and plan for moving forward. Knowing very well that I might need to feel a little uncomfortable until I get on top of it all again.
THEN over the weekend I had a little baby moment. George and I were grocery shopping on a Sunday (don’t do it, worst day!). There were a lot of people in the area that I was standing in. They didn’t have the chicken that I liked and I just kinda lost it. I got overwhelmed. All the anxiousness from the last few days took this opportunity to pop out. I was uncomfortable because there was so many people in my space and they were just too close to me. I didn’t know what I was going to make for lunches because I don’t like any of the other chicken that they sell. I told George that I was uncomfortable and there were too many people around. My body must have been showing some different signs to my head (slightly more panicky than what my head was doing). He suggested that I go and get a coffee and he will finish the shopping (nice guy right?) and I said I don’t want a coffee (I must have snapped at him) because he then raised his arms in frustration at me. Straw. Camels back. Broken. After a few words said out of stubbornness and frustration, I left, sat outside and had a little cry to myself. I don’t really know what I thought about, I just sat there and the world passed by. I was sad. I was sad that I frustrated him, I was sad that he lost it at me for something that I have little control over. I was sad that I didn’t react very well. I was sad that I couldn’t participate in life and do a normal thing like grocery shopping. I had been fine the last few million shops. Just not that particular Sunday.
The last few days at work have been rough. I have felt my anxiety sitting in my throat trying to choke me and let out a panic attack. Work has been busy and a bit stressful but I feel that this is because I am in a new position, I’m still learning how to make it work. So I think that all the little balls of anxiety that I have had over the last few days have started hanging out with each other and made a mega ball. I took the morning off work today, to let my brain relax and do what it needed to do. The only goal that I set myself was to go to the gym. Nothing like a good rush of endorphins to the brain to make it work better.
I am so grateful for my morning off, as it brought me some much needed calmness and strength. By doing not much at all, my brain was given the space that it needed to work out whatever in the hell is going on in there. I know it sounds so stupid but sometimes all we need is a few hours to ourselves. My mate anxiety is still around but that’s okay. I will be okay. I am strong. I am resilient. I got this.