I’ve been feeling my anxiety hanging around lately. I’m finding it a little hard to breathe some nights. My throat feels swollen, my air restricted. I have been restless. I’m finding it hard to get to sleep. I’ve got a lot going on in my mind but not a lot happening in my outside world. I’m currently unemployed and this really sucks, not only for the lack of cash money, but I function better when I’m in routine and taking the main part of my routine out sure doesn’t help me. There is only so much Netflix and Internet that you can trawl through before your brain turns to mush. I’m almost as brain mush stage. Not working has taken away my social interactions that I would normally have throughout the day. My mind isn’t challenged, so it’s left to wander and trust me, right now this is not what I need.
I’m focusing a little too much on all things negative, it’s hard not to. The old self doubt and blame has crept in. I feel terrible that I am unable to contribute to my household financially. I feel like I have failed George. I feel that he is judging me when he comes home and I’m on the couch, where I have been most of the day binge watching Netflix (let me know if you need any recommendations). He isn’t judging me at all. He gets how I’m feeling. I’m judging myself. The thoughts that I am hearing are just brutal. I’m finding it harder to call myself out on them. My mind is twisting thoughts and overanalyzing the little human interactions that I do have. It’s a bit of a nightmare.
It also doesn’t help that George and I are both still healing from the breakup I threw at him a while ago. I am not proud of it. I was hurting and had been for months. I was blaming George for it, forgetting to look at, well focusing less on what was happening in our lives and what difficulties/stresses we were facing. My efforts to improve the quality of our relationship were getting me nowhere and I took George’s lack of communication/action as disinterest in me and the relationship. I just ran with that, my mind was stuck on it and I couldn’t shake it. I felt myself shutting down and withdrawing from him. He could sense it too. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to feel and to be in a position where I could hurt more than I was.
Some time apart and many conversations later we have begun to build us back together. I feel guilty for bringing so much pain to both of us. I am angry with George for his inactivity and lack of communication. He knows this and is working on it. I was not prepared for the pain of the healing and rebuilding, the vulnerability we have to surrender to. This has been one of the hardest things that I have put myself through. As shitty as it was, it felt right at the time and I understand why I did it. I know now that I should have handled it differently. Oh hindsight you magnificent thing you.
All this spare time that I have found myself with has got me questioning absolutely everything. This is normal for me, but it’s a hell of a lot louder now that there is nothing to distract it with. I’m conflicted with many things and I’m scared to talk about them for fear of a second shit storm appearing. I’m trying to allow myself the space that I need to heal and process the last few months. I may have allowed myself too much space as I have fallen into the self pity and misery pit. An all too familiar place for me. But don’t you worry, I will find my way out again.
This particular post has been hard for me to share and I have written a million different versions, but this one feels right. I share my hard times in the hopes that it helps me to heal and that it might be something that others can relate to and know that they are not alone in their struggles. We all struggle, we all have dark times. It’s just that not many people talk about them and how they get through, for fear of being shamed or judged, which often makes it harder to talk about, further driving our feelings of being alone in our struggles.
On a positive note, I’ve been given the okay from my physio to get back into the gym (back injury. Vomit), so ill be dealing with my overwhelmed, overthinking, questioning, anxious mess of a brain by getting back in the gym. Getting me some endorphins love those guys). Giving myself some routine, writing more, reading more, clearing out my closet, practicing my interior decorating skills by taking screen shots of everything I see, adding everything to my online cart and then closing the browser before I accidentally type in my credit card details and it shows up at my door.