It’s been a hot minute since I posted anything up on here. I’m sorry about that. Only a little bit though, I think that the hiatus did me some good. Plus in hindsight I’ve had a big year full of stress and a bit of lingering grief that I didn’t really realise was there and I needed a bit (A LOT) longer to process it. Part of me feels guilty because in my mind, my blog was supposed to share with you how I dealt with my anxiety and depression as it happened and how I managed all the events in my life at the same time. But when in the midst of it all it just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes I don’t even know what I need. I feel like this was the vibe for this year, not knowing what to do. My Psych often tells me that sometimes the best thing to do when anxious or overwhelmed is to do nothing, let the wave of anxiety pass. This is what I have tried to do most of the year and for the most part it has helped.
Lately, well more like this entire year I haven’t really felt motivated to post anything. Which is probably why I’m posting this on the very last day of the year, I’ve been drafting this post for 2 months. Haha. I’ve wanted desperately to write but I thought that what I had to say wasn’t any good, so I just didn’t really bother. I had been doing a bit of writing but found it hard to build on it. I guess I lost a little bit of confidence in myself. I had so many ideas but as soon as I sat down to do anything my mind wandered and I lost interest.
I honestly have no idea what in the flip happened the first half of the year. It just kind of happened and I’ve packed it up and filed it under “2019 some things happened and now we are here”. A not so helpful trait I have is to downgrade my feelings and not acknowledge just how stressful things are to me. Not a lot was happening around me but I had a lot of feels and emotions that I was trying to process and understand. The main thing that I now realise I was doing, was beating myself up for not being able to do things like everyone else. Learning a new job and new routines shouldn’t take months, it should only take me a week, two at max, right? Wrong! My anxiety was high and I had many break downs, from the frustration and the mammoth pressure I was putting myself under. The lingering grief of losing a job I wasn’t ready to leave. It was all a bit much. My brain has this great feature where it focuses on the negative a little too long and it’s quite difficult for me to pull myself out of it.
Fast forward a few months, George and I had a little get away to Byron Bay before we knuckled down into hermit mode to save for our first house. I honestly cannot get enough of Byron. There is just something about the sun, sand and sea air, it makes me so happy. We did all the walking, all the sploring and all the eating. We also got engaged! This came out of mother fucking nowhere and it was so perfect! You bet we locked in a date and I had the wedding all planned within the next 48 hours (okay..week). We came back home from our deliriously happy holiday and began to do our market research into buying a house. Two weekends of jammed packed open homes later and here we are in our first home that we own. We may or may not be planning a million and one renovations. We are.
Good old practical and realistic Em knew that planning a wedding and buying a house so close together was going to be a mother fucking huge stress filled shit storm, so I planned as much as I could to free up my mind to focus on getting shit done. Next thing I knew we were settling on our house and moving in. The move weekend was a mammoth effort and I am forever grateful to our friends for shipping their kids off and helping us the ENTIRE weekend. We stupidly (or was it genius) painted the whole house in one day and moved in the next. I’m still debating on the stupidity or genius factor.
We did a lot of shit in 48hours and it was chaotic and crazy and exhausting and really emotional for me. I remember really clearly losing my shit because there wasn’t enough good paintbrushes for me to help painting, so I drove myself to Bunnings and stood in front of the paint brushes for at least 20 minutes with absolutely no idea why I was there. Nailed it.
I had done such a good job in preparing for the move and carrying out the move I forgot that I needed time to process it all and I found myself in a bit of an anxious mess and having to take time off work to help unravel the mess my brain had made. Its been about 3 months since we moved and honestly I am only just now feeling settled in.
That’s pretty much my year, I am still in shock that we are in December. So what are my takeaways and what have I learned from all of this? Well firstly, don’t underestimate how long it may take you to process HUGE life events. Take all the time that you can to make it easier on yourself. DO NOT brush off your feelings and downgrade them. Feel them in all their glory. Don’t beat yourself up for not dealing with things like others do. We are all different and have VERY different ways to deal with our circumstances. I feel like I tell myself this all the time, you would think that one day I would actually take note. I’ve also come to realise that I’m a very empathetic person, I feel emotions deeply and I tend to take on the feels of other people as my own. This is very draining. I love this trait of mine but I think I also need to learn a bit better how to distance myself. I’ve also learned that I do not do well with stress, I like to think I can handle it well but in reality I do not do that well. I think that by acknowledging this, it might take away some of the pressure I put on myself.
I’m currently sitting here enjoying my time off work, feeling a little anxious that I’m not doing enough in my time off. I sometimes (always) forget that it’s actually okay to take the time to rest. I’m hoping to post more on my blog, I’m going to try a little harder to find my passion again and just keep chipping away because even the smallest progress is better than doing nothing.